Make It A Snow Day

This is a great site where you can cut your own snowflake. My unique snowflake is # 8,784,464. Give it a try.

My Escape

There will be no Great Escape yet again.

I'm going to take my little break tonight from all my work to read a bit more in The Road. It's such a fantastic book.

If you came looking for an escape of your own, I suggest you pick up a book and read for even just 30 minutes. It's so relaxing.

Not Another Great Escape...Really. No Escape.

Again, I fail to entertain the masses. There will be no Great Escape today, folks.

Sorry.

The shop is closed.

"No soup for you."

(And yes. That will be the only reference to that show on this blog.)

Trapped! for Another Week

I am trapped again, not free to escape. Depending on the amount of work I have this weekend, I'll try get some of the escapes typed up ahead of time so that I can simply post them on Thursdays instead of skipping this feature all together.

Again, I'm sorry that I do not have an adventure for today. Thanks for being patient.

What A Day

My new job has me swamped with work. Throw in the fact that I'll be townhome shopping with a relator this weekend, and I'm exhausted.

There will be no Great Escape tonight (sorry Neal, and this right after I begged for escape scenarios and you were kind enough to provide one). Sorry. If I am inspired (and not asleep) sometime this weekend, I may work on the newest escape. But don't hold your breath.

I'm off to bed early tonight. I have so much to do tomorrow it wears me out just thinking about it all.

The Pirate Escapes VIII

Here's how it works: the pirate is given five items - as varied and crazy as you can imagine - and a single scenario of peril to escape. From there, things get...interesting as the pirate attempts ANOTHER GREAT ESCAPE.

The Items:
1. Bar of soap
2. Safety pin
3. Hammer
4. Chopsticks
5. Direction sheet for Monopoly

The Scenario of Peril:
Lost in the woods at Rocky Mountain National Park. (Courtesy of Mom)
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It’s not often that I find myself lost anywhere – I was born with an innate sense of direction. Sometimes though, when the mountains are high enough and the park is large enough, even I can find myself a bit…misplaced.

Luckily enough, I had the tools necessary to find the path to freedom.

As I’m sure not many of you are aware, the back of the direction sheet for the game of Monopoly contains a secret Masonic map of the Rocky Mountain National Park. The Masons love their secret maps – see National Treasure if you don’t believe me. And it makes sense if you stop to think about it. Monopoly is a game of luck and chance and treasure won by buying up real estate properties. Isn’t that the Masonic code?

To activate the map hidden on the backside of the direction sheet I needed a chemical agent to react with the invisible ink. I opened up the safety pin and jabbed it into the tip of my right index finger. The flowing geyser of blood that shot from my fingertip was just the agent necessary to unlock the secret of the Monopoly direction sheet.

Not wanting to risk an infection at my wound site, I used the bar of soap and a pool of water that had collected on a large leaf to rinse and clean my owie.

Now, armed with a map of the Rocky Mountain National Park, I set off over the mountain pass that would lead me to civilization.

But, this being the forest an all, I did have one last obstacle to overcome: a man-eating (seriously, he still had man bits hanging from his jaws) bear. Acting with the speed of a cougar, I rolled past the upright bear's slashing claws, landing in range of the bear’s planted feet. I drew out my chopsticks and hammer, and nailed that sucker down. I pounded a chopstick into each of the bear’s feet, firmly fastening him to the forest floor.

The bear howled in pain as he struggled to come after me. With his feet stuck, all he could do was cry in vain.

I easily scaled the mountain pass and was soon within sight of town. While I may - very rarely - find myself lost, I know that it will be no trouble for me to accomplish Another Great Escape, Pirate.
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And that's how it is done. If you have a perilous scenario and five tools of escape to challenge me, please post them in the comments...and you will soon witness: Another Great Escape, Pirate!

A Different Kind of Escape - Sneak Peek of New Show: Reaper

Instead of the regular Thursday feature, "Great Escapes," I am offering you a sneak peek at the series premiere of the new CW show, Reaper. I watched this premiere a couple of days ago and loved it. Aside from Pushing Daisies on ABC, this show is at the top of my list for new series to watch this fall.

Reaper is about a kid named Sam who is forced to act as a bounty hunter for the devil when he turns 21 as the result of his parents selling his soul before he was even born. Armed with a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner and some moronic friends, Sam reluctantly accepts his new responsibility. Directed by Kevin Smith, this episode is a winner.

It's a quirky, funny, and smartly written new comedy. And it's all yours to watch 53 days before the series officially begins! Enjoy this different kind of escape.

Click on this link - the secret code is: 082507.

The Pirate Escapes VII

Here's how it works: the pirate is given five items - as varied and crazy as you can imagine - and a single scenario of peril to escape. From there, things get...interesting as the pirate attempts ANOTHER GREAT ESCAPE.

The Items:
1. Filthy American money ($6.78)
2. Half a bottle of cheap Turkish whiskey
3. Life-sized photo of Osama bin Laden’s face
4. Some Orange Tic Tacs
5. Blanket

The Scenario of Peril:
You wake up in a Turkish prison. (Courtesy of Erica)
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Waking up in prison never gives a person “warm fuzzies.” Waking up in a Turkish prison is even worse. Turkish prison cells have no windows, no toilets and no blankets. No blankets, you say – what’s the big deal? The big deal is that it gets wicked cold at night in Turkish prisons. I was lucky to have my blue blanket, but it was so cold that I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I decided it must be that time again, time to escape.

I stood up and surveyed my cell. It was like any other prison cell – don’t ask how I know…that’s another story for another day – even the bars were spaced too close together for me to squeeze through (sometimes you get lucky, but not today). I opened my pack of Orange Tic Tacs and shook two into my palm. I tossed them into my mouth to combat that nasty, early-morning breath. Now, fresh and clean and ready to go, I began my escape.

I used the Livestrong bracelet from my left wrist to shoot a Tic Tack off the wall in front of my cell, ricocheting it directly into the locking mechanism of the cell door. The cheap and poorly made Turkish locking mechanism shattered under the onslaught of my Tic Tac projectile.

Free of my cell, I ran down the empty hall, pulling on my Osama bin Laden mask. As soon as I entered the guard’s break room, the guards scrambled to attention. In the background, coming from a small television, was the off-key voice of Ahmed bin Yousef, the front-running contestant on Turkish Idol, butchering the Britney Spears classic, “Hit Me Baby One More Time.” The guards seemed quite nervous in the presence of their great leader. I let them sweat for a moment before producing my half-empty bottle of cheap Turkish whiskey.

-You are doing fine work, men. Enjoy your show. That Ahmed bin Yousef sure is a good-looking chap. Can’t sing worth a can of beans, but he sure looks fine.

I hand the bottle of whiskey to the nearest guard and slip out of the room. I remove my mask and stroll out of the prison.

Walking in to the Turkish National Bank next door, I hand my $6.78 in American currency to an attractive teller. The poor girl nearly fainted at the sight of such an impressive amount of currency. The President of the bank was called out to complete my currency exchange.

With my large fortune inf Turkish money, I was able to purchase the entire country and rule it as king. Wearing my blanket as a kingly cape, I recognized that sometimes it really does pay to get out of bed in the morning. I went to sleep a pirate and woke up a king. Now that is truly Another Great Escape, Pirate.
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And that's how it is done. If you have a perilous scenario and five tools of escape to challenge me, please post them in the comments...and you will soon witness: Another Great Escape, Pirate!

The Pirate Escapes VI

Here's how it works: the pirate is given five items - as varied and crazy as you can imagine - and a single scenario of peril to escape. From there, things get...interesting as the pirate attempts ANOTHER GREAT ESCAPE.

The Items (from inside your big polka-dot pockets – it’ll make sense soon):
1. Chihuahua
2. Bag of jellybeans
3. Bottle of seltzer water
4. Balloons
5. Shoehorn

The Scenario of Peril:
While walking in Chicago a mysterious black van pulls up beside you. Three men in black suits jump out, grab and toss you into the van and speed away. The men inject you with a serum that limits your mobility. You are then dressed in a clown outfit, complete with silly oversized shoes. The men stop the van and deposit you on the sidewalk in a scary-bad housing project, at night. Only then do you notice the $50 bills stapled to the clown outfit. As mobility begins to return, a group of angry youths stalk forward. (Courtesy of Erica)
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Wearing a clown outfit outside of a circus ten is liable to get a person killed. Wearing a clown outfit with $50’s stapled to it in the projects at night is liable to get a person freakin’ killed.

Looking into the eyes of the approaching kids – and I’m sure they were all upstanding young gentlemen – I had sudden shiver of terror, and who wouldn’t? Most men would have made it in their pants, but not me. The shiver quickly passed. This was simply another night in the ghetto – in a clown suit – with a lot of money stapled to my person.

Having little time before the angry youths reached me, I quickly went to work on the balloons I found in my pocket. I assembled an army of ferocious balloon animals – a blue giraffe named Tiny, a purple monkey with an eye-patch (the result of an unfortunate accident with a blender and a banana), a red lion who was a little cowardly, a yellow seal baby, an orange hippopotamus, and a neutered green T-Rex (and believe me, there is nothing more ferocious than a T-Rex minus his marbles!). I left the army of balloon warriors behind me as the first youth stopped in front of my large, shiny red nose.

-Whatchew wearin’ my money for, clown?
-Are you on drugs?
-Yeah. So? Why you care anyway?

Instead of replying, I simply turn around and begin setting my balloon warriors between the mob and me.

-What? This ‘pose to scare us, clown?

I nod my head. I set the last of the balloon warriors at his feet. Suddenly – and with great speed – I reach into my other pockets, grabbing the Chihuahua and bottle of seltzer water. I spray the water directly into the dog’s face and toss him at the leader. I dive out of the way.

The sudden burst of water in its face sends the dog into a bloody rage. The small dog tears the leader to scraps.

Just as I suspected, the other youths – out of their minds on drugs – falsely assume that the balloon animals have come to life and are attacking. They disappear into the darkness like a candle snuffed out.

After eating such a large meal the Chihuahua staggers only a few steps after them before falling over into a food coma. I pick him back up – you can never be too sure when you might need a Chihuahua.

I open the bag of jellybeans and eat them – it is rude to not eat when others nearby are eating too. I then use the shoehorn to extract myself from the oversized clown shoes that would only serve to slow me down on my trek out of the projects. Another Great Escape, Pirate!

Oh, and you mysterious men in black. You’ve made your first and final mistake. Showing yourself to me has simply brought the pain down upon you so much sooner than you ever imagined. I will end you…you’ve been warned.
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And that's how it is done. If you have a perilous scenario and five tools of escape to challenge me, please post them in the comments...and you will soon witness: Another Great Escape, Pirate!

The Pirate Escapes V

Here's how it works: the pirate is given five items - as varied and crazy as you can imagine - and a single scenario of peril to escape. From there, things get...interesting as the pirate attempts ANOTHER GREAT ESCAPE.

The Items:
1. Blindfold
2. Stick of dynamite
3. Wallet made of duct-tape
4. Cassette tape of Air Supply’s Greatest Hits
5. 15 inches of rope

The Scenario of Peril:
You’ve been blindfolded and thrown out of a helicopter into the desert. Your hands are tied, and you’ve fallen from 12 feet up. (Courtesy of Erica)
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I fall and land properly, rolling to my side, and avoid breaking any bones. I drag my face over the rough ground to loosen the blindfold. It slips free from my head.

Finally able to see again, I spot a sharp rock – a rock I narrowly avoided during my impromptu crash landing – and use it to cut the rope, freeing my hands.

I now have two, equal, 7½-inch sections of rope. I stuff them in my pocket to use later.

I can see the helicopter still hovering above me. Watching.

I quickly peel apart my wallet made of duct-tape. I grab a baseball-sized rock and use the duct-tape to secure the stick of dynamite to it. I toss the rock/dynamite combination up at the hovering helicopter before the pilot can react.

The explosion outside the helicopter startles the pilot. He suddenly loses control of the bladed beast, and it gently falls to the ground.

I rush up and quickly bind the dazed pilot’s thumbs together using my two small sections of rope. I look the helicopter over and determine it is still capable of flight.

I hop into the pilot’s seat, jam my cassette tape of Air Supply’s Greatest Hits into the deck, and take off. What could have been a grizzly demise in a barren desert turned into, Another Great Escape, Pirate!
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And that's how it is done. If you have a perilous scenario and five tools of escape to challenge me, please post them in the comments...and you will soon witness: Another Great Escape, Pirate!

The Pirate Escapes IV

Here's how it works: the pirate is given five items - as varied and crazy as you can imagine - and a single scenario of peril to escape. From there, things get...interesting as the pirate attempts ANOTHER GREAT ESCAPE.

The Items:
1. Book bag with two textbooks
2. Some pens
3. Sandwich in a Ziplock bag
4. Keys
5. Running shoes

The Scenario of Peril:
You are on a train, alone in your own train car, when the train derails, falling 20 feet in to the river. The train car is sinking. You are stuck inside. And the door is locked. (Courtesy of Allison)
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With the water pooling at my feet in the sinking train car, I dump out my book bag. I quickly open the first textbook, How to Swim. I speed read the first couple of chapters and am now able "to swim like an Olympian." I glance at the title of the second text, How to Drown Like a Loser, and toss it aside. With confidence at near super-human levels, I set about escaping.

The water has reached my knees by the time I truly get started. I use the pens to draw a bulls-eye target on the window of the train car. Knowing that I have only one shot at this, I put a running shoe on my hand to act as a sort of boxing glove, and punch the window out. The water floods into the train car. I open my sandwich bag and suck out all of the air stored in the Ziplock baggie. I then swim through the broken window. As I struggle to reach the surface, I cut off my clothes with my keys. The less weight and resistance, the quicker I rise. Once on the surface of the water I breathe easy and float naked awaiting rescue. Another great escape, Pirate!
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And that's how it is done. If you have a perilous scenario and five tools of escape to challenge me, please post them in the comments...and you will soon witness: Another Great Escape, Pirate!

The Pirate Escapes III (The Beginning)

Here's how it all started: I emailed the following message to a co-worker 3 years ago. Help me get through the day...Let's play MacGyver. You give me a situation to escape from (a cave-in, a sinking ship, etc.) and 5 everyday items that I can use to escape with (a toothbrush, a shoelace, a pack of matches, a bicycle tire, a stick of gum, etc.). I'll then come up with a wicked-cool story of escape. Think you can help me out? From that day until my last day of work, I found myself constantly in situations of grave peril. Without such peril, I doubt I'd have survived the days.

Here's how it works: the pirate is given five items - as varied and crazy as you can imagine - and a single scenario of peril to escape. From there, things get...interesting as the pirate attempts ANOTHER GREAT ESCAPE.

The Items:
1. A canteen
2. An energy bar
3. Fingernail clippers
4. A belt
5. An M&M's wrapper

The Perilous Scenario:
You've fallen through a hole in the ground. Luckily, you've landed on a smooth, stalagmite platform. Below, you can hear the hissing and clicking of snakes and giant cockroaches. (Courtesy of Erica - August 12, 2004)

I stand up on the platform and dust myself off. I take a bite from the energy bar and chew on it until it becomes soft and sticky with saliva. I then use the gummy engery bar to attach the M&M's wrapper to the buckle of my belt. I tie the belt to my leg, and then hang by my fingertips from the platform, dangling the belt with the wrapper over the snakes at the bottom of the hole. The smell of the M&M's wrapper entices a snake below to leap up and snag the tasty treat.

Ha! He bites through the wrapper hiding the buckle of the bet and gets his mouth snared on the little hook part of the buckle. Caught like a fish.

Utilizing my impressive upper-body strength, I pull myself back onto the platform. I grab the canteen and use it to smash the snake's head flat, killing it. I repeat this entire process nine times, bringing up nine more snakes and smashing their head's flat as well.

I then use the nail file on my fingernail clippers to gut the snakes. I tie together the intestines and now have over twenty feet of super-strong, snake-gut rope. I toss my rope up and out of the hole and it cathes on a large boulder. I quickly scurry up the rope. Standing in the sun and staring down into the hole which once kept me captive, I smile.

This was the first great escape of the Pirate!
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And that's how it is done. If you have a perilous scenario and five tools of escape to challenge me, please post them in the comments...and you will soon witness: Another Great Escape, Pirate!

The Pirate Escapes II

Here’s how it works: The pirate is given five items – as varied and crazy as you can imagine – and a single scenario of peril to escape. From there, things get…interesting as the pirate attempts ANOTHER GREAT ESCAPE.

The Items:
1. A black licorice rope
2. A petrified dung ball (from a dung beetle of course)
3. Six mint-flavored toothpicks
4. Three fortune cookies (without fortunes)
5. A Pizazz pizza oven

The Scenario of Peril:
You’ve wandered on your goldfish raft into disputed waters. The gun ships of the Iranians and the British are bearing down on you, both wanting to smite the lawbreaker and famous great escape pirate. (Courtesy of Neal)

Sometimes you just get lucky. It’s not every day you have the opportunity to sink two gun ships from two separate countries. Okay, if you are a pirate like me, it happens more often than you would believe, but it’s still a red letter day for the calendar.

Still naked, and still drifting along on my makeshift raft of expanded goldfish crackers, I notice two gun ships, one British and one Iranian. I can see from the large guns slowly turning my direction that my sudden appearance has stroked their attention. Fine. It’s not like I was doing much today. I can sink a couple of ships. (Jeez, look at my own boat at the bottom of the ocean if you don’t believe me.)

Luckily, as I was drifting along, I managed to pick up a couple of useful items. I took the 3 fortune cookies, without fortunes (who takes the fortunes and leaves the cookies anyway, they’re the best part!), and quickly soaked them in the ocean water to make them more malleable. I then wrapped the solid, petrified dung ball in the now squishy fortune cookies. I attached 5 of the mint toothpicks to my new “killing stone.” The toothpicks jutting out from the squishy fortune cookie mess gave my “killing stone” mace ball-like appearance. The burning sun quickly hardened the squishy fortune cookie mess. And not a moment too soon, I was finally within range of the ships.

I stuck the remaining toothpick in my mouth – I like chewing on toothpicks – and scanned the British ship for my target. Soon I found him. Some poor sap just doing his job aiming his boat’s large cannon-like calibers at me. I threw my “killing stone” David-like, and with deadly accuracy impaled the poor sap in the eye. He slumped forward onto his controls. The guns came to life, swinging from my position and locking on to the Iranian ship, unleashing fury. The roar was deafening as the British ship pummeled the Iranian one. Not one to back down from a fight, the Iranian ship targeted the British ship and let loose. I guess somebody forgot about little ole me. Heh.

I take the platter from the Pizazz pizza oven and attach it to my arm with the black licorice rope. I use this as a shield to deflect any desperate, small-caliber shots from panicked crewmembers as I sail by the sinking ships. Amazingly enough, those panicked crewmembers, they don’t much care about shooting at me. They seem to be more concerned with the whole not drowning thing.

As I quickly remove the shield – black licorice burns skin on contact – I listen to the screams of the drowning sailors. That’ll teach them to mess with a stunningly naked pirate. I think to myself, that’s another great escape, pirate!
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And that's how it is done. If you have a perilous scenario and five tools of escape to challenge me, please post them in the comments...and you will soon witness: Another Great Escape, Pirate.

The Pirate Escapes

Here’s how it works: The pirate is given five items – as varied and crazy as you can imagine – and a single scenario of peril to escape. From there, things get…interesting as the pirate attempts ANOTHER GREAT ESCAPE.

The following is an example of one such GREAT ESCAPE:

The Items:
1. five goldfish crackers
2. Sponge Bob air freshener
3. Ziplock baggy
4. tube of Carmex
5. mailbox flag

The Scenario of Peril:
Stuck on a sail boat with the sails on fire. (Courtesy of Kristin and Annie)

I wake up one morning to find the sails on my sailboat engulfed in flames. Crap! This was the second time in the same week this had happened. I need to get one of them fancy boats what moves itself with one of them spinning motor thingies.

Not all that concerned with the flaming sails – this HAS happened before, remember – I look around the boat to find some supplies that will help me out of this unfortunate situation. The pickings were slim – my “date” must have run off with all my valuables while I was sleeping last night. I wonder if SHE set fire to my boat? Wait! Where the heck did she go…we’re in the middle of the ocean…did she just hop on the back of a passing sea turtle and drift away? A sea turtle…I should look for a sea turtle to hop on to and drift away from this fiery deathtrap. There’s never a sea turtle when you need one.

Okay. Focus. Fire. The first step in fire fighting is stripping naked – you don’t want to burn holes in your clothes. I whip out the tube of Carmex – not JUST for chapped lips – and cover myself in it. This will protect me from the fire. What? You don’t believe me? It protects your lips from the burning sun, which is like SO MUCH more fiery than a fire…it’ll protect your body, too!

I then take the Ziploc baggy I found in the kitchen of my boat and dump out the carrots it contained. Whoops. I should have eaten those carrots before dumping them into the ocean. I hope I don’t go blind while rescuing myself because I dropped my carrots. I fill the baggy with some water from the ocean. I then stop and observe the way the fire is attacking my sails. I know that I’ll have only one shot at this, and it has to be perfect. I locate the weakest part of the fire – that little spark that’s trying SO HARD to burn the tip of my largest sail – and launch the baggy of water directly at it. I miss, of course, because the boat shifts under my feet – stupid ocean! The baggy of water flies right through a hole burned in the sail and is lost in the ocean on the other side of the boat.

Dingo baby! That was my only baggy. There goes the boat.

Deciding to abandon ship, I take the necessary steps to ensure my escape. I grab the five leftover goldfish crackers from my late-night snack, the Sponge Bob air freshener I kept next to the wheel of the boat, and the mailbox flag I use as a tool to de-bone fish. I give my sad, burning and sinking ship one last look, and jump overboard.

As I fly through the air – I had a tall boat – I drop the five goldfish crackers down onto the water below me. As soon as they hit the water they ballooned up like goldfish crackers do when they hit water. The expanded goldfish crackers float on the surface of the water and I land directly on top of them. Goldfish crackers are both a healthy snack and extremely well load-rated. They support my weight perfectly – probably because I am naked and not carrying that extra 4 and ¼ pounds of clothing. Then, standing on my floating goldfish crackers, I raise the mailbox flag in my hand to catch a sea breeze. The breeze and current carry me away from the doomed ship.

I attach the Sponge Bob air freshener over one eye as a pirate eye-patch – no PROPER sailor, even one on a goldfish cracker craft – would be caught dead sailing the ocean blue without his pirate eye-patch. That's another great escape, Pirate!
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And that is how it is done. If you have a perilous scenario and five tools of escape to challenge me, please post them in the comments...and you will soon witness: Another Great Escape, Pirate.