The Pirate Escapes VIII

Here's how it works: the pirate is given five items - as varied and crazy as you can imagine - and a single scenario of peril to escape. From there, things get...interesting as the pirate attempts ANOTHER GREAT ESCAPE.

The Items:
1. Bar of soap
2. Safety pin
3. Hammer
4. Chopsticks
5. Direction sheet for Monopoly

The Scenario of Peril:
Lost in the woods at Rocky Mountain National Park. (Courtesy of Mom)
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It’s not often that I find myself lost anywhere – I was born with an innate sense of direction. Sometimes though, when the mountains are high enough and the park is large enough, even I can find myself a bit…misplaced.

Luckily enough, I had the tools necessary to find the path to freedom.

As I’m sure not many of you are aware, the back of the direction sheet for the game of Monopoly contains a secret Masonic map of the Rocky Mountain National Park. The Masons love their secret maps – see National Treasure if you don’t believe me. And it makes sense if you stop to think about it. Monopoly is a game of luck and chance and treasure won by buying up real estate properties. Isn’t that the Masonic code?

To activate the map hidden on the backside of the direction sheet I needed a chemical agent to react with the invisible ink. I opened up the safety pin and jabbed it into the tip of my right index finger. The flowing geyser of blood that shot from my fingertip was just the agent necessary to unlock the secret of the Monopoly direction sheet.

Not wanting to risk an infection at my wound site, I used the bar of soap and a pool of water that had collected on a large leaf to rinse and clean my owie.

Now, armed with a map of the Rocky Mountain National Park, I set off over the mountain pass that would lead me to civilization.

But, this being the forest an all, I did have one last obstacle to overcome: a man-eating (seriously, he still had man bits hanging from his jaws) bear. Acting with the speed of a cougar, I rolled past the upright bear's slashing claws, landing in range of the bear’s planted feet. I drew out my chopsticks and hammer, and nailed that sucker down. I pounded a chopstick into each of the bear’s feet, firmly fastening him to the forest floor.

The bear howled in pain as he struggled to come after me. With his feet stuck, all he could do was cry in vain.

I easily scaled the mountain pass and was soon within sight of town. While I may - very rarely - find myself lost, I know that it will be no trouble for me to accomplish Another Great Escape, Pirate.
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And that's how it is done. If you have a perilous scenario and five tools of escape to challenge me, please post them in the comments...and you will soon witness: Another Great Escape, Pirate!