The Pirate Escapes VI

Here's how it works: the pirate is given five items - as varied and crazy as you can imagine - and a single scenario of peril to escape. From there, things get...interesting as the pirate attempts ANOTHER GREAT ESCAPE.

The Items (from inside your big polka-dot pockets – it’ll make sense soon):
1. Chihuahua
2. Bag of jellybeans
3. Bottle of seltzer water
4. Balloons
5. Shoehorn

The Scenario of Peril:
While walking in Chicago a mysterious black van pulls up beside you. Three men in black suits jump out, grab and toss you into the van and speed away. The men inject you with a serum that limits your mobility. You are then dressed in a clown outfit, complete with silly oversized shoes. The men stop the van and deposit you on the sidewalk in a scary-bad housing project, at night. Only then do you notice the $50 bills stapled to the clown outfit. As mobility begins to return, a group of angry youths stalk forward. (Courtesy of Erica)
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Wearing a clown outfit outside of a circus ten is liable to get a person killed. Wearing a clown outfit with $50’s stapled to it in the projects at night is liable to get a person freakin’ killed.

Looking into the eyes of the approaching kids – and I’m sure they were all upstanding young gentlemen – I had sudden shiver of terror, and who wouldn’t? Most men would have made it in their pants, but not me. The shiver quickly passed. This was simply another night in the ghetto – in a clown suit – with a lot of money stapled to my person.

Having little time before the angry youths reached me, I quickly went to work on the balloons I found in my pocket. I assembled an army of ferocious balloon animals – a blue giraffe named Tiny, a purple monkey with an eye-patch (the result of an unfortunate accident with a blender and a banana), a red lion who was a little cowardly, a yellow seal baby, an orange hippopotamus, and a neutered green T-Rex (and believe me, there is nothing more ferocious than a T-Rex minus his marbles!). I left the army of balloon warriors behind me as the first youth stopped in front of my large, shiny red nose.

-Whatchew wearin’ my money for, clown?
-Are you on drugs?
-Yeah. So? Why you care anyway?

Instead of replying, I simply turn around and begin setting my balloon warriors between the mob and me.

-What? This ‘pose to scare us, clown?

I nod my head. I set the last of the balloon warriors at his feet. Suddenly – and with great speed – I reach into my other pockets, grabbing the Chihuahua and bottle of seltzer water. I spray the water directly into the dog’s face and toss him at the leader. I dive out of the way.

The sudden burst of water in its face sends the dog into a bloody rage. The small dog tears the leader to scraps.

Just as I suspected, the other youths – out of their minds on drugs – falsely assume that the balloon animals have come to life and are attacking. They disappear into the darkness like a candle snuffed out.

After eating such a large meal the Chihuahua staggers only a few steps after them before falling over into a food coma. I pick him back up – you can never be too sure when you might need a Chihuahua.

I open the bag of jellybeans and eat them – it is rude to not eat when others nearby are eating too. I then use the shoehorn to extract myself from the oversized clown shoes that would only serve to slow me down on my trek out of the projects. Another Great Escape, Pirate!

Oh, and you mysterious men in black. You’ve made your first and final mistake. Showing yourself to me has simply brought the pain down upon you so much sooner than you ever imagined. I will end you…you’ve been warned.
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And that's how it is done. If you have a perilous scenario and five tools of escape to challenge me, please post them in the comments...and you will soon witness: Another Great Escape, Pirate!