The Pirate Escapes VII

Here's how it works: the pirate is given five items - as varied and crazy as you can imagine - and a single scenario of peril to escape. From there, things get...interesting as the pirate attempts ANOTHER GREAT ESCAPE.

The Items:
1. Filthy American money ($6.78)
2. Half a bottle of cheap Turkish whiskey
3. Life-sized photo of Osama bin Laden’s face
4. Some Orange Tic Tacs
5. Blanket

The Scenario of Peril:
You wake up in a Turkish prison. (Courtesy of Erica)
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Waking up in prison never gives a person “warm fuzzies.” Waking up in a Turkish prison is even worse. Turkish prison cells have no windows, no toilets and no blankets. No blankets, you say – what’s the big deal? The big deal is that it gets wicked cold at night in Turkish prisons. I was lucky to have my blue blanket, but it was so cold that I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I decided it must be that time again, time to escape.

I stood up and surveyed my cell. It was like any other prison cell – don’t ask how I know…that’s another story for another day – even the bars were spaced too close together for me to squeeze through (sometimes you get lucky, but not today). I opened my pack of Orange Tic Tacs and shook two into my palm. I tossed them into my mouth to combat that nasty, early-morning breath. Now, fresh and clean and ready to go, I began my escape.

I used the Livestrong bracelet from my left wrist to shoot a Tic Tack off the wall in front of my cell, ricocheting it directly into the locking mechanism of the cell door. The cheap and poorly made Turkish locking mechanism shattered under the onslaught of my Tic Tac projectile.

Free of my cell, I ran down the empty hall, pulling on my Osama bin Laden mask. As soon as I entered the guard’s break room, the guards scrambled to attention. In the background, coming from a small television, was the off-key voice of Ahmed bin Yousef, the front-running contestant on Turkish Idol, butchering the Britney Spears classic, “Hit Me Baby One More Time.” The guards seemed quite nervous in the presence of their great leader. I let them sweat for a moment before producing my half-empty bottle of cheap Turkish whiskey.

-You are doing fine work, men. Enjoy your show. That Ahmed bin Yousef sure is a good-looking chap. Can’t sing worth a can of beans, but he sure looks fine.

I hand the bottle of whiskey to the nearest guard and slip out of the room. I remove my mask and stroll out of the prison.

Walking in to the Turkish National Bank next door, I hand my $6.78 in American currency to an attractive teller. The poor girl nearly fainted at the sight of such an impressive amount of currency. The President of the bank was called out to complete my currency exchange.

With my large fortune inf Turkish money, I was able to purchase the entire country and rule it as king. Wearing my blanket as a kingly cape, I recognized that sometimes it really does pay to get out of bed in the morning. I went to sleep a pirate and woke up a king. Now that is truly Another Great Escape, Pirate.
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And that's how it is done. If you have a perilous scenario and five tools of escape to challenge me, please post them in the comments...and you will soon witness: Another Great Escape, Pirate!