The Pirate Escapes II

Here’s how it works: The pirate is given five items – as varied and crazy as you can imagine – and a single scenario of peril to escape. From there, things get…interesting as the pirate attempts ANOTHER GREAT ESCAPE.

The Items:
1. A black licorice rope
2. A petrified dung ball (from a dung beetle of course)
3. Six mint-flavored toothpicks
4. Three fortune cookies (without fortunes)
5. A Pizazz pizza oven

The Scenario of Peril:
You’ve wandered on your goldfish raft into disputed waters. The gun ships of the Iranians and the British are bearing down on you, both wanting to smite the lawbreaker and famous great escape pirate. (Courtesy of Neal)

Sometimes you just get lucky. It’s not every day you have the opportunity to sink two gun ships from two separate countries. Okay, if you are a pirate like me, it happens more often than you would believe, but it’s still a red letter day for the calendar.

Still naked, and still drifting along on my makeshift raft of expanded goldfish crackers, I notice two gun ships, one British and one Iranian. I can see from the large guns slowly turning my direction that my sudden appearance has stroked their attention. Fine. It’s not like I was doing much today. I can sink a couple of ships. (Jeez, look at my own boat at the bottom of the ocean if you don’t believe me.)

Luckily, as I was drifting along, I managed to pick up a couple of useful items. I took the 3 fortune cookies, without fortunes (who takes the fortunes and leaves the cookies anyway, they’re the best part!), and quickly soaked them in the ocean water to make them more malleable. I then wrapped the solid, petrified dung ball in the now squishy fortune cookies. I attached 5 of the mint toothpicks to my new “killing stone.” The toothpicks jutting out from the squishy fortune cookie mess gave my “killing stone” mace ball-like appearance. The burning sun quickly hardened the squishy fortune cookie mess. And not a moment too soon, I was finally within range of the ships.

I stuck the remaining toothpick in my mouth – I like chewing on toothpicks – and scanned the British ship for my target. Soon I found him. Some poor sap just doing his job aiming his boat’s large cannon-like calibers at me. I threw my “killing stone” David-like, and with deadly accuracy impaled the poor sap in the eye. He slumped forward onto his controls. The guns came to life, swinging from my position and locking on to the Iranian ship, unleashing fury. The roar was deafening as the British ship pummeled the Iranian one. Not one to back down from a fight, the Iranian ship targeted the British ship and let loose. I guess somebody forgot about little ole me. Heh.

I take the platter from the Pizazz pizza oven and attach it to my arm with the black licorice rope. I use this as a shield to deflect any desperate, small-caliber shots from panicked crewmembers as I sail by the sinking ships. Amazingly enough, those panicked crewmembers, they don’t much care about shooting at me. They seem to be more concerned with the whole not drowning thing.

As I quickly remove the shield – black licorice burns skin on contact – I listen to the screams of the drowning sailors. That’ll teach them to mess with a stunningly naked pirate. I think to myself, that’s another great escape, pirate!
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And that's how it is done. If you have a perilous scenario and five tools of escape to challenge me, please post them in the comments...and you will soon witness: Another Great Escape, Pirate.