The Pirate Escapes

Here’s how it works: The pirate is given five items – as varied and crazy as you can imagine – and a single scenario of peril to escape. From there, things get…interesting as the pirate attempts ANOTHER GREAT ESCAPE.

The following is an example of one such GREAT ESCAPE:

The Items:
1. five goldfish crackers
2. Sponge Bob air freshener
3. Ziplock baggy
4. tube of Carmex
5. mailbox flag

The Scenario of Peril:
Stuck on a sail boat with the sails on fire. (Courtesy of Kristin and Annie)

I wake up one morning to find the sails on my sailboat engulfed in flames. Crap! This was the second time in the same week this had happened. I need to get one of them fancy boats what moves itself with one of them spinning motor thingies.

Not all that concerned with the flaming sails – this HAS happened before, remember – I look around the boat to find some supplies that will help me out of this unfortunate situation. The pickings were slim – my “date” must have run off with all my valuables while I was sleeping last night. I wonder if SHE set fire to my boat? Wait! Where the heck did she go…we’re in the middle of the ocean…did she just hop on the back of a passing sea turtle and drift away? A sea turtle…I should look for a sea turtle to hop on to and drift away from this fiery deathtrap. There’s never a sea turtle when you need one.

Okay. Focus. Fire. The first step in fire fighting is stripping naked – you don’t want to burn holes in your clothes. I whip out the tube of Carmex – not JUST for chapped lips – and cover myself in it. This will protect me from the fire. What? You don’t believe me? It protects your lips from the burning sun, which is like SO MUCH more fiery than a fire…it’ll protect your body, too!

I then take the Ziploc baggy I found in the kitchen of my boat and dump out the carrots it contained. Whoops. I should have eaten those carrots before dumping them into the ocean. I hope I don’t go blind while rescuing myself because I dropped my carrots. I fill the baggy with some water from the ocean. I then stop and observe the way the fire is attacking my sails. I know that I’ll have only one shot at this, and it has to be perfect. I locate the weakest part of the fire – that little spark that’s trying SO HARD to burn the tip of my largest sail – and launch the baggy of water directly at it. I miss, of course, because the boat shifts under my feet – stupid ocean! The baggy of water flies right through a hole burned in the sail and is lost in the ocean on the other side of the boat.

Dingo baby! That was my only baggy. There goes the boat.

Deciding to abandon ship, I take the necessary steps to ensure my escape. I grab the five leftover goldfish crackers from my late-night snack, the Sponge Bob air freshener I kept next to the wheel of the boat, and the mailbox flag I use as a tool to de-bone fish. I give my sad, burning and sinking ship one last look, and jump overboard.

As I fly through the air – I had a tall boat – I drop the five goldfish crackers down onto the water below me. As soon as they hit the water they ballooned up like goldfish crackers do when they hit water. The expanded goldfish crackers float on the surface of the water and I land directly on top of them. Goldfish crackers are both a healthy snack and extremely well load-rated. They support my weight perfectly – probably because I am naked and not carrying that extra 4 and ¼ pounds of clothing. Then, standing on my floating goldfish crackers, I raise the mailbox flag in my hand to catch a sea breeze. The breeze and current carry me away from the doomed ship.

I attach the Sponge Bob air freshener over one eye as a pirate eye-patch – no PROPER sailor, even one on a goldfish cracker craft – would be caught dead sailing the ocean blue without his pirate eye-patch. That's another great escape, Pirate!
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And that is how it is done. If you have a perilous scenario and five tools of escape to challenge me, please post them in the comments...and you will soon witness: Another Great Escape, Pirate.